


maybe if i cry it won't hurt so damn much

by TheFledglingDM



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: The Last Jedi - Fandom
Genre: Bechdel Test Pass, Crying, Dry humor to cope with grief, F/M, Friendship, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Implied/References to Past Torture, Please Give Rey A Female Friend I Beg Of You, Yeah there's lots of tears here
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-26
Updated: 2017-12-26
Packaged: 2019-02-21 21:48:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,144
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13152690
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheFledglingDM/pseuds/TheFledglingDM
Summary: Late at night on the Falcon following the Battle of Crait, Rey and Rose finally meet and have a talk.





	maybe if i cry it won't hurt so damn much

**Author's Note:**

> Written because Rose and Rey would be/should be great friends and a Lot Happened in a short period of time in that movie and these two need to sort their things out. I wanted to explore some of the parallels I saw in their characters.
> 
> Unbeta'd and written fairly late, so please have patience with my soul.
> 
> Spoilers for The Last Jedi if you haven't seen it!

The _Falcon_ was quiet this time of night. The battle on Crait was behind them, their wounded tended to, their dead tallied. The rebels were down to terrifyingly low numbers – less than fifty, by Rey’s count – and she had no idea where they were going, or what to do from here. She did not envy Leia’s need to constantly find the next battle plan or keep up a strong face for the Resistance.

She lay her head back and stared up at the dingy roof of the hallway. The ship was far more crowded than she was used to, and Rey wasn’t used to sleeping with so many people snoring and shuffling all around her. That was what she told herself, at least, when she rolled silently off her bunk and made her way to the lower level.

It was dim, and cramped, and smelled faintly of sulfur or phosphorous and sweat, illegally smuggled goods from an era long past. Rey would have smiled to think of a young Han Solo, Luke Skywalker, and Princess Leia bickering over the smuggler’s latest job is she weren’t so bone-tired.

But she _was_ tired, a heaviness in her limbs and her chest that she couldn’t shake. And she was _sore_ , now that the adrenaline of the past few days had worn off. Her arm itched from the stiches holding the wound in her arm together, and her entire body felt like a giant bruise from Snoke’s torture. She froze, for a moment frozen as she remembered the terrible, blinding pain, from _everywhere_ , her throat raw as if someone had scraped it but it was only her screams – then she took a breath, calming her heartrate.

Rey closed her eyes, wincing as the action stung the bruise on her face and from dry eyes. She tilted her head back, listening to the hum of the ship as they traveled, wishing it could lull her to sleep.

The sound of footsteps made her open her eyes and look up. To her surprise there was a young woman standing there, her left arm in a sling. Black hair was pulled back into a ponytail that left bits of fair framing her round face. She looked how Rey felt, scratched and bumped and burned and bruised, but the other woman stopped short when she saw Rey sitting.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” She stammered, “I – I wasn’t expecting anyone to be down here, I’ll just –”

She turned to leave, about to climb back up the ladder with one arm, and Rey called out, “No, wait.”

The other woman stopped, surprised. Rey was surprised herself, but she just indicated the spot beside her wordlessly. The woman hesitated, then she came to settle stiffly down beside Rey. She left a careful six inches between them.

“You’re Rey.”

Rey glanced at her, surprised. The woman grinned, sheepish. “The Resistance hero. The Jedi. I’ve been meeting all my heroes lately, it seems.”

“You’re a hero, too,” Rey replied. Mostly because she meant it, but also because she does not want to think about Jedi or the Force. “And I don’t know your name.”

The woman reached out with her good hand. “I’m Rose.”

Rey reached out and shook firmly. “Rey.”

Rose dropped her hand and mirrored Rey’s position, her back to the wall. Her legs, shorter than Rey’s, were extended in front of her. For several minutes, silence fell between them. It was not companionable, not quite, but there was something reassuring about having another person sitting beside her. It was still a new feeling to Rey; she had not realized until very recently how starved for affection she was, even if physical touch felt new.

_Dim light. Dark eyes. A warm hand, calluses mirroring hers, brushing her fingertips—_

“What are you down here for?” Rey asked, jolting herself from the memory. Her stomach turned as if she were about to be sick. “I thought you were on bed rest.”

Rose did not answer for a long minute. Used to not receiving answers, Rey took this in stride, staring ahead at the mess of wires and circuits in front of her like she could untangle them with the Force if she tried (she probably could).

“My sister died yesterday.”

Rose said it so matter-of-fact, so nonchalant, that for a moment Rey was positive she misheard her. Glancing aside and seeing Rose’s thousand-yard stare, she knew she had not.

“My sister died yesterday,” Rose repeated, rolling the words on her tongue like she was tasting them. Like it was the first time she had said it aloud, and wanted to know how it sounded. She laughed, and it sounded brittle, disbelieving. “My sister is – _was_ everything I had left. And now she’s gone. My sister is dead.”

Rey stared at her, unsure of how to respond. She had never been in a position to offer comfort before ( _a lie_ , said a traitorous voice in her head, _a lie and you know it, and you don’t want to think about it, or him, or—)_

“I’m sorry,” Rey said, tripping over the words. “I’m so sorry to hear that.”

Rose turned to Rey. With her good hand, she pulled a leather cord from beneath her standard-issue resistance uniform. “Haysian ore,” she said, holding the crescent-shaped metal to the light. “Our parents gave them to us when they were smuggling us out of Otomok. They fit together, you see, in a medallion? The sun and the moon, rotating around each other, one incomplete without the other. Or something like that.”

“It’s beautiful,” Rey said. “Paige is – was your sister?”

“Yes.” Rose blinked, tears springing to her eyes, and Rey opened her mouth to apologize but Rose kept on. “I had a sister, and her name was Paige, and now she’s dead.” She twisted her face, putting a fist over her mouth to stifle the coming sobs. “Everything has been moving so _fast_ since yesterday, I – I haven’t even had time to think about it. Or – or pray, or mourn, or perform any funeral rites, and I came back from my mission with Finn and I was looking for Paige to tell her about the _adventure_ I was on, how the Resistance hero and I went undercover and saved the Resistance, but then I remembered that she died destroying the _Fulminatrix._ She’s the real hero. I just played dress-up and destroyed a city and mooned over a turned Stormtrooper.”

Rey lifted an eyebrow at that last statement, but she put a hand to Rose’s shoulder. She shook under her grip. Rose gasped, tears coming faster. “And – and it _hurts_. Right here.” She put a fist to her sternum, her face crumpling. “It _hurts_ , and I keep hoping that if I cry it won’t hurt so damn much, but I do and it doesn’t, it _doesn’t._ ”

She broke down, bad arm slung over her front, good hand covering her face as she took great, heaving sobs, and Rey was _completely_ at a loss on what to do so she put an arm around Rose’s shoulders and held on tight. She waited for Rose to cry herself out until finally, face red and snotty, she took a deep, hiccupping breath and sat up.

“I’m okay,” She said, wiping her nose on her sleeve and blending in the snot with the grease stains. Rey grinned and decided that she rather liked her.

“Better?” Rey asked, bumping her with her shoulder. Rose thought it over and nodded.

“Better. Not good, but better.” She peered up at Rey. “Thank you.”

Rey shrugged. “Of course. And you’re just as much a hero as she was. Sometimes winning a war takes dressing up. Sometimes it takes blowing up your own ship. One isn’t better than the other. We’re all working towards the same thing. I think your sister would know that.”

Rose gave her a timid, watery smile. “Well. Thank you.” She paused, then she snorted. “Well, I crashed my own ship as well. She wouldn’t care much for that.”

“Nor did Leia, I’m sure,” Rey said before she could stop herself, but Rose just grinned.

“No, definitely not. I did it for a boy.”

“You _what?_ ” Rey’s voice lifted, thinking back to her days when a decent ship was the only thing she had.

“In my _defense,_ ” Rose said lifting a finger, “I was saving the boy in question’s life.”

“Then what happened?” Rey asked.

“Well, I ruined both the ships, but I did kiss him, so it’s a toss-up.” Rose said. “Not sure what Finn thought about that.”

“You – you _kissed Finn?_ ” Rey squawked, ignoring Rose batting at her to shut her up before she woke the entire Falcon. “How? Where? Why?”

“With my _mouth_ ,” Rose hissed fiercely, “on _his_ mouth, because I thought I was going to _die_ and the battle adrenaline in my system told me it was a good idea!”

“And how did Finn react to this?” Rey asked.

“He didn’t. He just looked confused. Then I passed out.”

“How did you want him to react?”

“ _Not_ confused.” Rose grimaced. Suddenly she jolted up, turning to Rey with a horrified expression. “Wait, I didn’t – I’m so sorry if I inserted myself into – _oh_ my God –”

“Rose!” Rey said firmly, putting a hand on Rose’s arm. “Rose. Breathe. There is nothing between me and Finn. I’m asking because he’s my friend. I don’t have much experience with those, or with anything else, where I’m from.”

“Where are you from?” Rose asked.

Rey smiled, a twisted little thing. _Nowhere_ , she remembered telling Luke, thinking it was true, knowing it’s true, knowing there was someone out there who knew and didn’t care. “Jakku.”

Instead of derision, Rose nodded in recognition. “Not a great spot. I grew up on Hays Minor. They used us for our labor, too.”

Rey nodded back. It was a relief to meet someone who did not dismiss her and her entire life before the resistance outright because of where she was from. Her life did not begin when a BB-8 Unit rolled its way into her world.

“What are you doing down here?” Rose asked. At Rey’s hesitation, she added, “I mean, it’s not my business. Don’t tell me if you don’t want to. Just thought I’d ask. If you need someone to listen.”

Rey closed her eyes, inhaling in deeply before releasing. “I – don’t know,” she said truthfully. “It’s barely been weeks since I left Jakku. Everything has been moving so fast since then, I just…”

“…Can’t keep up?” Rose filled in. Rey opened her eyes and saw her giving her a sympathetic grin. Rey nodded back.

“It’s just. First it was Finn. Then Han. Then Maz. And then…losing Han. And almost Finn. And finding the Force. And meeting Leia. And Luke. Losing Luke. Losing…” she stopped. She had not _lost_ him; he had never _been hers_ to lose.

But for a moment? A precious moment, frozen in time, in his eyes?

Oh yes, she had lost something. The ache in her breastbone assured her of that much.

“You lost someone, too?” Rose asked gently.

“He was gone when I got to him,” Rey said.

“Ah, a _him._ ” Rose said knowingly. “That’s the worst part of it. A mission you can shake off. Losing a family member, or a lover – that’s worse. That stays with you.”

“We were _not_ lovers,” Rey insisted, feeling her face heat. “We weren’t friends. We were…Bonded, I guess.”

Rose scoffed. “Sounds like lovers to me.”

“It was a Force Bond,” Rey insisted. “Snoke set it up. And I saw him, and he could see me. We could speak. We felt what the other was feeling.”

“Wait,” Rose said slowly. “Snoke? You’re not talking to me about…?” She trailed off, waiting for Rey to finish the sentence.

“Kylo Ren,” Rey said slowly, and she felt as if the other end of a long thread had been pulled when she said the name. She shut her mind and hoped that would be enough. “Or, Ben Solo.”

Rey expected Rose to call her mad, or tell her that she was better off without Kylo Ren in her life (she would be right). But Rose simply sat, patiently waiting for Rey to tell her all that she was willing to expose.

“I hated him,” Rey said. “I did, I was willing to kill him myself the next time I saw him. I already have tried to. But then, with that Bond, I could speak to him, and he was so…conflicted. I could feel his anguish and guilt from killing his father, his fear and loathing and reverence of Snoke, the constant battle between the light and the dark sides of the Force in his soul. He told me the truth of how he became Kylo Ren. Before Luke Skywalker did.”

“Wait,” Rose interrupted. “Are you telling me _Luke Skywalker_ created _Kylo Ren?”_

Rey nodded. “A terrible misunderstanding. But at the right, or wrong time – enough to turn a boy who was scared and conflicted. It’s not an excuse. But it’s a reason. And it’s one I can understand.”

“Well, I _guess_ ,” Rose said doubtfully. “I wasn’t there, I haven’t heard it to see how conflicted he was.”

“He betrayed Snoke.” Rey said softly. “I thought I was about to die, he had his saber to my chest. Snoke was talking about sensing rising certainty, and resolve to kill, and making the final strike. But when it came down to it – Ben killed Snoke. He freed me, and then we fought back the red knights who were Snoke’s guard.” Rey bit her lip, a ridiculous lump rising in her throat. She could remember it all so vividly, the clashing of swords, the steady pressure of Ben’s back pressed against hers, the way they battled and moved so seamlessly together. The joy that he picked the Light. The way her heart dropped to her stomach when he asked her to join him.

“He offered to rule the galaxy with me,” Rey said. “Said that I was nobody. My parents sold their child into slavery for drinking money. I’m nothing, nobody. I don’t know my place in this story because I have no place, not here, not anywhere. I’m nothing. But not to him.”

“Well, that’s some fathier shit,” Rose said fiercely. But Rey shook her head.

“No, he’s right.” She held up a hand, asking Rose to let her finish. “How did this mess start? It wasn’t people like you and me, people from backwoods planets, that messed up the galaxy. It was the Republic, the old senators and old Jedi Order. The Skywalker line all the way down. This is a battle of elites and generals and princesses. Two girls from labor planets were never meant to be swept up in all this.

“But that’s where he’s wrong, you see? The Force doesn’t care who you are or where you’re born. That’s what Luke taught me: the Jedi don’t own the Force. _Everyone_ I’ve met, save you, has acted like Jakku is a junk planet – Ben Solo or Finn or, _yes_ , Luke. He’s objectively right. This fight isn’t about how we were born; it’s about what we choose to be.”

Rose thought that over for a long minute before nodding her understanding. “My question is – did you come down here to mull all that over? Or is there more to all this than you’ve said?”

Rey bristled. “I’m not _hiding_ anything from you, if that’s what you’re—”

“I’m not, Rey,” Rose interrupted, taking Rey’s hand. “I’m not. But like you’ve said, things have been moving so fast. We need time to sort _everything_ out.”

Rey blinked, and two surprised tears rolled down her cheeks. “I thought Ben would turn. I _saw_ it. I thought he would come back with us.”

That lump was climbing up her throat, closing her windpipe and making it harder to speak. Part of Rey hated herself for it – has she not cried enough, especially over this fool, this murderer, this shred of a man, in the past few days? This man she has watched ruin his own life, even after she has offered her hand, and he had _taken it?_

This man who looked to distraught and lost when she took his hand. Who was broken, and lost, whose rough edges just aligned with hers.

“You wanted him to come with you,” Rose said softly. She spoke it aloud as Rey realized it, and that made the conclusion hurt all the more. “You wanted to be enough to turn him.”

Rey bit her lip, and she wanted to say that that was not _all_ that it was, she wanted it to be his mother and the fact that it was the right this to do and the only way to soothe his tattered soul. But she could still see him on his knees in the rebel base, looking up at her, his face a careful mask of indifference but his eyes resentful and heartbroken. She remembered the thick leather glove and the way his voice shook when he begged her _Rey, come with me, please._ Remembered the feather-light brush of his trembling fingertips against hers, as if he feared he could break her if he moved too quickly. Remembered looking at his strong features and finding them handsome, seeing the galaxy in his eyes.

Suddenly the dam burst in Rey’s chest, and she was sobbing, the tears flowing onto her chin and her nose running and she buried her face in her knees and wept. Rose’s hand rubbed soothing circles over her back and she murmured encouragement as Rey’s world narrowed to her fluttering lungs and her breaking, breaking heart.

Because _yes_ , she knew she was nothing and she knew what she chose to be and she wanted this stupid, _stupid_ man to open his eyes and come with her, come _home_ , and change the tide of this war and change this story. And she was angry that he hadn’t and humiliated that she was crying over this and too tired to do anything to stop it.

The world narrowed and fell eerily silent. Rey’s head snapped up, recognizing this, and there he was. Ben was sitting across from her, long legs stretched in front of himself. If he were in the _Falcon’s_ halls he would be blocking the walkway. His dark hair framed his face, and his eyes looked bruised, purple ringed with red from exhaustion. He met her gaze and his eyes were bloodshot.

He had been crying, too.

“I don’t want you here,” Rey hissed. To Rose’s credit, she seemed to know what was happening and kept up her calming ministrations.

Ben lifted an eyebrow, his mouth quirking in a humorless smile. “You’re lying."

And despite the madness surrounding them, Rey smirked back, just as distant, just as cold. “I know.”


End file.
